fuck.

I don't talk to my dad. It's only been a few years (this time) but I don't believe I'll ever speak to him again unless we accidentally run into each other. I do speak to my mom, but infrequently, she prefers the conversation of my wife, less baggage I suppose. They were kids when they had me, that's what I've always been told and what I've always told myself. She was 17 and he was 18. They didn't know how to handle life itself at that age let alone being a parent. No coping skills, no life skills, for my mom no parental support, nothing. Kids having a kid. I have always been told that when my mom told her Catholic parents she was pregnant her dad threw her out of the house. She had to move in with my dad and his folks. I've never really asked her if this was true or not but I do know I came home from the hospital to my dad's parents house and that's where I lived until I was about 3 years old. 

I had my first child when I was 27 years old, 10 years older than my mom was when she had me, and I admit it scared the shit out of me. 14 years later and I have 4 children now, still married to the mother of all of my kids. My folks split up immediately after I was born, then did a good 10-years of on again off again, my little brother was born out of this craziness, then by the time I was 11 years old they had divorced for good, soon after my dad remarried and my brother and I were awarded to him, full-custody, her with visitation rights only. 

When my parents were becoming parents, my dad's parents stepped up and took us all in. Paid for us, helped us, supported us. We eventually moved into a house my great grandparents had lived in because my grandpa let us move in for free. They gave us furniture, they gave us food and they watched my brother and I all the time for free. They were totally there to help my parents, ALWAYS.

My little brother and I went from the insanity of living through an unstable marriage filled with violence and absentee parents in their 20s to living with a violent, angry, bitter sociopath. He always used to say he couldn't wait until I had kids of my own, then I'd understand, then I'd know he wasn't crazy, then I'd appreciate everything he'd "done for me". He was wrong.

Whenever I am going through something with one of my four kids, I think back to how I was raised, or not raised, I am dumbfounded. We have a teenager, a middle schooler, a kindergartner and a baby...we know stress, we know frustration, we know kids. What we don't know is how anyone could beat one, could tell them they'll murder them, tell them they're less than worthless and will amount to nothing but filler for state prison. In addition, I don't know how my mom could take the abuse from my dad like she did for all of those years and then eventually give up and leave us to him and his anger. I was 11, my brother was 7, she knew who my dad was, she knew what he'd do. She had every excuse in the book why she couldn't fight it, couldn't win. I have kids of my own now and I don't get either of their behaviors at all. By the time they were in their 30s they weren't kids anymore, that tried and tested excuse had run it's course. 

I don't know what having supportive parents (or now grandparents) would be like, so I don't know what I'm missing. I don't know what kind of hole in my kids lives exists because there is not doting grandpa or grandma. I'm not complaining, I simply have no idea. 

Right now I am dealing with a health issue with my 4 year old, not life or death, but life altering none the less. The stress this event is exerting on our family is immense, yet it's making us all be more supportive of each other, not more angry with each other, and I certainly am not taking out my stress on my kids. 

I'm pretty sure the next time I see my dad and utter a word to him he'll be laying motionless on his back in a suit in a fancy box I'll be getting the bill for. As a parent, I can't believe this is how a parent would want his or her relationship with their child to be.  

Y You're Nothing Special.

So my mom.

I realize so many of my blogs are about her effect on my life, and no shock, so is this one, but in a different manner. It is because of my mom, my lack of relationship with her as a child and her total coldness and lack of emotional attachment that I have developed the way I have in regards to how I feel about women. I think that's fair to say about all men, we learn how to treat women and what to expect from women from our primary female role model that we had while we were growing up. In my case, that means women have a lot to prove.

First let me say I love women. Women are my best friends and the sexiest creatures on earth. I relate, for the most part, more with women than men on almost every level.

Secondly let me say that I was raised by a man who told me daily that I was a worthless piece of shit who would 100% end up in prison or in the military if I was lucky. He did nothing but beat down my self esteem and my body continuously. I was stupid and worthless and a failure, he literally told me this from the time I was 8 or 9 until the day he kicked me out of his house at 18. I am saying this here because I was not raised to think I was god's gift to women, I was raised to think I was a stain on the fabric of life in general and should be discarded.

Now, I need to say I get very frustrated with women who think they deserve a man's love, who deserve to be treated like princesses, who think they're a prize to be won and right all of the time and shouldn't be contested. I don't like women who think that men should come to them.

I feel as though anyone is lucky to find and have anyone else, I am just as much a prize to my wife as my wife is to me. She is sure as hell is lucky to have me and to keep me. I don't really care what women reading this may think, good PEOPLE are hard to find, not good men or good women. 

 

I also think that women lie, cheat and are all around untrustworthy just as much as men. There is no difference. People are people and a soft and pretty doesn't equal unquestioned faith and honesty. The moment I hear a woman say anything along the lines of, "but I'm a woman" or worse, "I'm a girl" I cringe. You're an adult human like me, we are equals. 

I do not think women get taken advantage of more in relationships, I do not think they're helpless and I think any problems they've faced with men are of their own makings. "Men" aren't out to get them, we don't have meetings and come to a consensus to ruin the self confidence of carefully chosen targets. You make the bed you lie in, as with anyone, most of the time if you're experiencing reoccurring issues, take a look at the one constant, usually that constant is found in the mirror.

I do not treat women special, I treat them exactly the same as I treat my male friends. Women get my honest opinion on everything, they're not emotionally retarded or incapable of hearing the truth any more a man is, people just act like they are. I don't. Some women don't like this approach because they're used to being treated with kid gloves, usually for some very negative reasons; either people actually treat them differently because they're a woman after all or men treat them differently because they're trying to get into their pants.

Some people are stupid, some are mean, some are insane, some are unlikable and some are insufferable. These are human traits that apply to women and men and should be acknowledged whether it's a woman or man, you shouldn't get a break on being a demanding entitled asshole because "she's my princess", that's bullshit, she's an arrogant douche, and should be treated as such, who gives a shit about her nice tits, there are other nice tits out there and if you're going to put up with her shit because you think those are the nicest tits you'll ever get to touch, then you're an idiot as well.

When I'm watching a TV show or a movie and I see an older couple and the man is kowtowing to his long time spouse by saying the equivalent of, "yes dear" to everything she says,  it just reinforces my frustrations with how our society has presented "the battle of the sexes", someone wins and someone loses. That's bullshit. If you have a partner, you're equal or it's not going to work, "battles" don't lend themselves to long term relationships, "battles" end and someone loses. Always.

I will never treat a grown woman differently simply because she is a woman. I will never pull a punch with my observations because you're a lady. I will never treat you any different than I treat anyone else, everyone is equal. Women should get no special treatment because of a chromosomal difference determined during gestation, just because you don't have the Y.