I like to start off every blog entry by saying something along the lines of, "it's been forever since I've written on here", basically because it's always been forever since I've written on here.
So much has gone on since the last time I took the time to sit down and write.
The most ridiculous yet perfectly expected event that happened is that my mother is no longer speaking to myself or my family. I guess you could say we're not speaking to her either, but it doesn't really matter, the point is we've broken ties.
Over the last decade or so my wife has been the driving force that has maintained amy relationship with my mom and half sister. It could be because my wife lost her own mother to ovarian cancer about 8 years ago, but most likely its because she was raised like most humans were raised, to believe that there's an innate bond between a mother and child.
My mom and I have never had that bond.
To say I am the antithesis of a momma's boy would be an understatement. I so dislike my own mother that it has seeped into every female relationship I've ever had and tainted it with hues of distrust and resentment. I am not one to put a woman on a pedestal, if she'd like to stand next to me, that would fine, but no special treatment simply because of our chromosome differences.
Over the course of the last 10 years or so my wife has tried her best to include my mom and sister in our lives, to make them feel like we're a family. My mom has done so less than enthusiastically, but as its been pointed out, she had made tremendous progress. All the while, my mom was going through a prolonged and emotionally torturous separation and ultimate divorce with my sadly, comically, stereotypically drunken step-father.
During this ridiculous ballet of leaving/not-leaving/leaving/I hate you/We're staying together/we're not staying to together my mother suffered an insanely unexpected health event.
One weekend while her husband was away up north at their cabin, I was called to my mom's house because she had been lying on the couch in pain all day and my sister thought she was sick and needed to be taken to see a doctor. My mom is not old and not sickly, she's barely 63 years old I write this. When I arrived at their house my mom was doubled over on her couch. She couldn't move and her stomach was killing her. She could only speak enough to tell me all she needed was some milk-of-magnesea. It was clear she needed more than that. I ended up carrying her against her will to my car, lying to her that we were only going to an urgent care facility (it was 7:30 PM on a Friday night). I took her directly to the Emergency Room.
My mom wasn't happy with me. She wasn't happy with the admitting nurse who guessed it was appendicitis. She wasn't happy with the ER doctor who explained, after X-rays, that she had suffered from a perforated diaphragm. She wasn't happy with the surgeon who told her it may be that she had suffered from undiagnosed colon cancer and this was a tumor causing the pain. At 2 AM, after being admitted, my step-father showed up, he had driven all the way down from Alpena. It was soon after that arrival, that the aneurysm on the artery that fed blood to my mom's spleen that everyone had missed that had been slowly leaking for over a week, burst. She bled out internally.
Luckily this happened IN the hospital. Emergency surgery saved her but not her spleen and not half of her pancreas. She lived. During surgery they damaged some nerves in her arm somehow. She would survive the bleeding out but not without losing the use of one of her arms and hands.
Once all of the drama of my moms ordeal and new life situation calmed down, my step-father finally did divorce her, like a true gentleman.
My wife and I, but mainly my wife, stuck by mom throughout the divorce. She was on the phone every day with her, helping her, giving her support, listening to her.
We helped her find a new house. We helped her move. We did everything we could emotionally, financially and physically to help her during this transition and the whole time we were busting our asses to make sure she knew we all loved her and were there for her, all she did was complain and act as though she had no one. Which was ok, we knew this was a difficult time for her.
It never ended though.
Finally, last thanksgiving, at our house, with her, my sister, my cousin, my brother and my brood of 6 all gathered together as a family, my mom's incessant negativity and emotional blackholeness (that's mots likely not a word) became too much to bear.
My wife, alone with my mom and sister in the kitchen, unfortunately addressed the fact that no matter how much we give, how much we help, how much we do for them both, they give nothing back. This was an emotionally one sided relationship. This upset my fragile spoiled 18 year old sister and that in turn upset my mom. When I noticed that my wife was in tears and my mom had that indignant look on her face, I saw no other option.
I walked into the kitchen, told my mom and sister they were two of the most negative people I've ever met and I threw them out of my house. My mom tried to tell me I didn't understand what was going on and I clearly told her I did not care. Goodbye.
That was 4 months ago.
We didn't have Christmas together. She didn't come over for any of the kids birthdays that have happened since. We're done. We're done according to me at least.
This isn't like some huge maternal umbilical cord had finally been cut, it's as if the false one my wife had been desperately trying to tie to my mom and I had finally lost it's knot. It was always a slip knot anyway.
