All I do for myself is put food in my mouth, put poop in the toilet and try to sleep.

Everybody dies. 

I don't like to think about that, but who really does. 

My mother-in-law died. I watched her die. I watched her literally take her last breath, in her home, in a dark room, surrounded by her children, in the dead of night. The event in itself took hours. The event in itself was beyond words, I can't believe I was there, I can't believe I experienced that and my experience couldn't have been 0.0001% of what my wife experienced. 


Stunning. Upsetting. Unnerving. Reality shattering.

I am thinking about death recently. I have a close friend facing something similar but on a much closer  level. It's unreal to consider someone else having to do what we did then.

I am soon to be 41. I am 5'9" and 211 lbs. My chest hurts. My chest gets tight. My extremities fall asleep and get 'pins-and-needles'. I have headaches. ALL THE TIME. I have a condition called spasmodic torticollis. I have arthritis. I have aches and pains and am tired all the time. I don't eat right, I don't ever exercise. In don't take my meds, any of them.

I need to consider that I AM going to die. No one likes to think about it. I need to start thinking about it. I need to be scared so I do something. I'm not doing anything. 

I am thinking about death a lot lately, about how it effects others, about how it effected my wife, about how I could have a heart attack any fucking minute now.

I'm going to go eat cake now. Merry Christmas!
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