Big Sur California Hates My Therapist.

It's dreary and rainy and gray here today. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I bet it's sunny on the cliffs of Big Sur, California right now, I bet the ocean is blue and the sky is blue and life is happy out there. There are a million things I am stressed out about right now, but I know better, none of them are really that important. I used to think I loved change. People who come from divorced parents like to think they're accustomed to change. I was one of them. I used to think I craved it, I was wrong. Cindy, Joanne, Michelle, Gretchen, Mary, Libby, Jacqueline and Debbie; those are the names of the women that were in my dad's and my life, the main women he lived with and/or married (around a year or two each?). We lived in 5 different houses. I thought that was the kind of constant turn-over I was programmed to seek out. Again, I was wrong. Consistency is what I am about, it's all been consistent. Even when my mind wants me to desperately make a change, I don't. The same. I stay the same. I'm going to die without anything changing, I'm sure of it. 

Is this my depression talking? I'm going to go ahead and say yes. 

I went on meds about 4 years ago when I decided it was time for me to start seeing a therapist again. I had never taken meds like this before. At first they made me sleepy and talk slowly, but ultimately, they reduced the amount of fights I had with my wife and probably reduced stress a great deal. The negatives? I got fat. I was unmotivated. I was uncreative. I didn't think that the meds were a good long term solution for me. I wasn't "me" anymore, I certainly wasn't "Jello". I stopped seeing my therapist about 2 years ago and stopped getting my prescriptions filled about 15-months ago. I quit cold turkey actually. Now I'm depressed AND fat. It's awesome.

Most of the time I'm ok, sometimes the depression gets pretty heavy, but I pride myself on being able to ALWAYS get my ass up and out of bed and never miss work...but...when I get home, often I want to hide in my bedroom. I'm back to having an explosive temperament too. The plus side is I'm being creative again, but since I'm a middle aged father of 4 who works in high tech manufacturing, I think being level headed may be more important that being creative.   

I'm thinking of calling my old therapist. I'm thinking of going back to counselling. I'm thinking of going back on my meds.  I'm thinking of changing.