I hate Religion, am a hardcore Atheist, so Methodist it is then...

So my wife and I have no support system. Her mom passed away a few years back, her dad and step mom live in San Diego, I haven't spoken to my dad in years and we basically take care of my mom when and if she's in contact with us. My wife has two older brothers and one younger brother none of which are around to help with the kids and I have a single artist younger brother who isn't ever around, a twenty something half brother who I haven't spoken to in years and a 16 year old half sister. That's our family. If we need help with our 4 kids, we either call a neighbor and cross our fingers or I simply leave work and deal with it. Our friends are great and all but they have their own families and lives and problems. We can't call grandma to come over and watch the kids so we can go out and relax and see a movie let alone call her so that our 9-year old won't come home to an empty house because something came up and we had to leave. It's me and Mary and our 4-kids and the limited help we feel uncomfortable asking of our neighbors...oh yea we have a housekeeper too who occasionally has to double as a sitter while she's cleaning the house. Mary doesn't want a nanny, I've offered that before...so...we struggle a bit every week. In addition, we're Atheists, like uber-atheists, like we're actively raising our kids to NOT believe in organized religion and reading them Atheist children's books and making  jokes about how ridiculous Jesus was with our 4-year old and making sure they all know the proper way to shun god. I bring this up because we have actually considered joining a church just to use the built in church social support system. We would consciously decide to lie to an entire group of people, tell our kids to lie too, about their entire belief system just to get access to a list of readily available, willing, happy and free help. We've thought about this so much that we've even picked a denomination;  Methodist. Mary's grandparents were Methodist. We were both baptized Methodist, it seems like the perfect dupe. We could pass as Methodist I think. In order to get the volunteers offering to help with the baby and soup brought to the house when one of us is sick and babysitters by the bushel, I think we could play Methodist. I always argue that as an Atheist we actually have the purist form of moral compass there is, the one that comes from within and is not taught to us by other humans with ulterior motives to control and manipulate others for their own benefit, this doesn't seem like it would help that argument. Anyway, as it stands now we are not fake-Methodists yet, but if you see us at your next sermon (they have sermons, right?), please disregard all of this.